Tag: depression

Trying to Persevere

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I’m trying not to dwell on the negative things that have happened to me. I try to focus on what could be… on the positive. Some days I’m more success than others. When I’m least successful, I find that I am angry, frustrated and crying. There’s depression as well. I feel like I’ve lost a lot because of cancer. I hate my physical appearance. I don’t trust my body. I’m fearful when my doctor calls and because I’m not working, I can’t focus on something that might be normalizing. Who knows how long it will take me to find another job with so many other people being out of work as well.

Have I mentioned my adoration for Janet Lee’s artwork?

One of my biggest frustrations is my termination. I wasn’t a bad employee, I was sick, literally dying. I feel thrown away. Like I was defective. I know that this isn’t the truth, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling this way. Add to that, due to the loss of my employment, I will loose my home in NY. I can’t afford to keep it. This makes me so very sad, it gave me such career flexibility.

I am in need of a new local comic book store to feed my comic addiction (when I have a job again). Here’s why.

Please wear a mask.

Just after completing chemo treatment, I started going back to my local shop for weekly comic pickups. The shop is full of shelving and displays, there aren’t marked spaces for social distancing and the aisles are a bit narrow. Two weeks ago, while there, a guy came into the store absolutely filthy, no shirt but wearing a mask. He was dirty all over and sweaty too. I asked him, where is your shirt, he just looked at me and kept shopping for comics. The manager of the store (not the owner, but someone I’ve known for at least 18 years) said nothing. So I half joked, “look dude you should wear a shirt. You don’t see me walking around here letting my boobs hang out.” The guy said his shirt was wet from working so he took it off. I said “you should keep you shirt on, it’s a health thing seriously.” He didn’t say much, he bought his comics and then left. After he left, I asked the manager, “man what is the deal? It’s the law, no shirt no service.” The manager said, “that guy spends about $600 a week here and he’s our handyman, I don’t want to piss him off.” I said so we all get exposed to his germs instead?! No response.

I love Zoe! Terry Moore’s Five Years

Well last Wednesday, while in the shop to pick up my comics, a guy walked in with no mask. Mind you we have a state mandate right now, masks must be worn in public. The manager stood behind the counter saying nothing… I just couldn’t let it go so I said, “Where is your mask?” to which this dude says to me “shut up I don’t need a mask”. I said a mask protects you and me, you should have one on. He said, “I don’t need a mask because I don’t live in fear like you do.” I said, “I don’t live in fear, I live with cancer and you should wear a mask.” His come back was “that sounds like a ‘you’ problem, I don’t have cancer and I don’t wear a mask, this all fake.” I made my purchases and left the store. Later I called the store, I told the manager I would not apologize for having words with that guy for not wearing a mask but I would apologize for making him (the manager) uncomfortable. Because it was obvious that he was.

Zoe gave him a butt full of lead later in this comic. Terry Moore’s Five Years

The manager’s response to me? “Thanks, you should apologize, that guys spends about $600 a week in here.” I said he exposes you and me while he’s in the store with no mask on. Is his money worth that risk? Your mom has a preexisting condition, you could take it home to her unintentionally. The manager said that because he wears a mask and stands behind a plexiglass barrier, he’s safe. Which means the rest of us can suck #covid. I came home really angry. I took out all the receipts I could find from my purchases there and tallied them up. My approximate purchases were $7,176 from 2017 – 2020. There are no transactions from September through November 2019 while I was in the hospital.

I have been a customer at the shop since 2002. Over the years, I would take food orders, small gifts and even con swag to the manager of that shop. We of course knew each other on a first name basis and had each other personal cell phone numbers. When my employment took me out of state, I passed up the opportunities to shift my subscriptions to bigger shops in New York. I stayed with my local shop, visiting every weekend to clean out my pull box. It’s obvious I mistook his friendliness for friendship. It’s even more obvious that money means more to him than customer safety. Do I really think there are two people spending $600 a week at that comic shop? I couldn’t say with certainty but doubtful considering the lack of inventory movement. It’s fine though, the shop is theirs now. I’ll eventually find a good place to order comics online because anti-maskers could kill me.

Dec, 18, I spent $999.56 in one trip. The pic above was $353 Nov, 19.

I’ve recently figured out how to play Magic the Gathering Arena. It’s been really great at taking my mind off of things. I play for free and though I loose a lot, it’s good mind stretching. Here’s a screenshot, my opponent destroyed all my creatures, enchantments and artifacts, I had nothing and was about to loose. Then I got one card draw from my deck, the only card I needed and game over. Not going to lie it was so satisfying.

Magic The Gathering Arena

Between that and taking CPEs to keep my professional certifications, I’m doing my best to stay busy. I keep looking at my windows thinking “I should wash those (inside and out)”, but I only managed a couple before I got discouraged and stopped. I know this is depression from the cancer and job loss. I hope to start daily walks, though I fear that because so many people are in public spaces (parks and such) who aren’t social distancing or wearing masks. Still, I want to and will give it a try. At this point, all I have is time.

This is the first Planeswalker I’ve ever pulled from a pack.

The Cancer

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It is difficult to express the feeling one has; what goes through one’s mind when a doctor calls to say you have leukemia. There’s really no preparing for it. Further, the disbelief that suddenly your life has a serious end date, something unexpected. Mid 2019, as I tried to visit a new comic book shop a month I started to feel really tired. I was so tired that after work each day, all I wanted to do was sit or sleep. Being an overweight person, I worried that I was getting too many carbs or too much sugar, so I scrutinized what I ate consistently. My diet consisted of chicken, turkey, fish and veggies, still I felt heavy and tired. IMG_2929

In the fall, I noticed something unusual, I had a huge bruise on my knee but I couldn’t remember hurting myself. I assumed, I must have bumped it at some point and just didn’t remember. Only, to discover that more bruises were appearing on my arms and on legs and I knew I wasn’t doing anything to cause them. I should have known there was something wrong because these bruises didn’t hurt. They were big, but they didn’t hurt and that seemed odd to me. I had a doctor’s appointment coming up and figured, I would wait and mention the bruise then. I got a blood test and received the typical message, ‘we will call you if something it wrong.’ I shrugged it off and figured my tiredness was because of my weight (trust me, the medical community is prejudice against fat people, any problem you have its cause you are fat, oh wait, I’ll use the medical term = because you are obese). So I really thought my problem was weight related and I just needed to keep using the stairs even though my fatigue was just shy of debilitating.

So yeah I got that call, that one I mention above; the cancer diagnosis. My life has been interrupted by “the cancer” and I’ve been learning to deal with it. First I should note that the rare form of cancer I have is curable, but only if my body doesn’t reject that treatment. I will spare the statistics of people who don’t survive and just say that I’m going to live. I spent over 30 days in the hospital, which was a horrible experience and not something I wish on people I mildly like. My enemies, yes I wish they had to spend a month in a filthy, dated and cramped hospital room in Bronx New York. Ok but back to the cancer. IMG_2854

When friends and family found out, I received mix responses, some were heart felt and made me feel loved and some were plastic and I really could do without. What do I mean about plastic? People who say ignorant stuff like, “you just have to stay positive” and “look on the bright side”. I can’t tell you how insensitive those words are. No one, not even other cancer patients or survivors should say you have to be positive about having fucking cancer. Its not helpful and further its invalidating. Going through this experience, there are ups and downs. My spouse and I try to keep our senses of humor about the whole thing. That is how we chose to deal with it, it’s not how others have to deal with cancer. Every person is different and that means how they approach their cancer is going to be unique. I wish people respected that and if they can’t think of something supportive to say, just don’t say anything at all.

My diagnosis was in September 2019, I haven’t been back to work since that time. Its been about 5 ½ months and I still have another 6 months of treatment to go. Most days, I’m tired but that’s from the poison on my body fighting the cancer. I take a serious cocktail of prescription meds and have to ask permission to take something over the counter for a headache. Everyday I go to the hospital to get stuck with a needle for my infusion. I thought being home would be ok, good even as I’d fill my time catching up on comic book reading, writing new blogs, cooking, grilling and watching Netflix. None of that has happened. I’ve been depressed and lost interest in most things that used to bring me joy; comics being one of those things. My hair hasn’t completely fallen out and I kind of wish that it had, instead it super thin and balding in weird patches around my temples. I have dark spots on my face and I look like I have two black eyes which are all side effects of the chemo. I mentioned said discoloration to the dermatologist who shrugged it off as me being black. Even when I said I didn’t have these before the chemo, he argued all my issues were either related to me being overweight or because I am black.

I just feel empty while I try and fight this stupid disease. I worry about getting back to life after cancer. I worry about returning to work, will I still be tired? Was all the tiredness the cancer? I worry about my hair growing back and no longer being thin. I worry that my skin will not return to its natural color but will have discoloration in odd shapes and in odd places permanently. I worry that my chemo brain won’t keep up with the fast pace of my demanding job. I don’t know what day of the week it is sometimes unless I look at my pill pack.

IMG_7871The entire time I was away from my local comic shop, the guys were kind enough to keep my comics instead of demanding I send someone to pick them up. This is what 3 months of comics looks like. That awesome person standing over my should, is Doug, he’s such a great guy. We practiced posing for the picture until you couldn’t quite see either of our faces.

IMG_3848Here are some pictures of all the comics I have yet to read. The books in the box that are not bagged and boarded and all the books on the table still in bags. I’ve been reviewing my pull list and cutting back. I fear my interest in this hobby is not long lived and that saddens me even more.

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I have been adding to my graded comics collection, this is a small stack I’m considering for my next submission. I love this Mark Brooks variant cover of Uncanny X-men issue 522, the return of Kitty Pryde. Underneath that is a first print of Once and Future; my goodness what a great comic. The first issue made me think of the first episode of the television show Grimm, really good stuff.

I was a bit emotional as I wrote this blog so please forgive the typos. I hope to do better next time and as far as I can tell, there will be a next time.

Comics are awesome

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Since November 2016, my social media has been overshadowed by politics. I feel I would be remiss if I ignored what’s happening from the executive branch in Washington DC so I’m not apologizing for the attention I give politics on on my twitter page.

Still I look at my stack of funny books and smile knowing they bring me some measure of happiness. So here is a current pic of the comic cave. IMG_5988I’ve a lot of books to put away. In the mean time here are some of the awesome titles I’m currently reading. Oh and I also collect Funko Pops, I specifically like exclusive. Though I’ve been in love with #StrangerThings since it’s release so I indulged myself with these awesome toys.

I’ve been reading and enjoying Gail Simone’s Clean Room since issue 1. It’s been funny, dark, scary and brilliant all at once. The main character Astrid Mueller is amazing but I admit my favor is Killian who I see as a total badass. Clean Room is comprised of nightmares, death, dreams and redemption. Standing between us and certain annihilation is Astrid and her army of rooks. I’ve tweeting about this comic since it first appeared in Previews. Not one issue has been disappointing. It’s full of twists and turns, heroics and betrayal. I admit I’m in love with this book and will collect it until Gail doesn’t write it anymore.

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I love a good mystery and murder mysteries are my favorite. So of course Matt and Sharlene Kindt have roped me in with #DeptH. I’ve blogged about this comic before and my praise still stands. This books is amazing. An advance science team is living on the ocean bottom while exploring and discovering it’s many mysteries. During routine exploration and analysis a portion of the under water station explodes. There is only one casualty of the explosion…the smartest man on earth. Enter Mia, a scientific genus in her own right; to investigate the suspicious death. Was the explosion just a freak accident or is there more sinister plan in effect? Mia suspects everyone including her own brother, for when it comes to this investigation, she will get to the bottom of who killed her father in this suspenseful tale.

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Wildstorm is a new book I’ve been reading, written by the great Warren Ellis. I’ve only read issue 1 but I admit this comic has all the makings of something grand. Here are a couple if pages that I enjoyed from the book. I will definitely be reading issue 2.

There’s no comic more full of rich charaters and all things fantastic than Monstress. Marjorie Liu and Sana Takeda immerse the reader in a fantastical world of witches, beasts and spirits set to a steampunk backdrop. Everyone has a angle and none is more driven to achieve her goal than Maika Halfwolf. She has and will sacrifice any and all to get answers to her mother’s mysterious death. This comic is Anthropomorphism done right with an opulent array of diverse characters. There’s something for everyone small cats with three tails, large cat in business suites, wizards who sprout wings, pirates with shark crewmen, its eye-candy for the mythical soul.

When I’m not reading comics, but still want some comfort, I snuggle with my 4 year old.

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Been too long

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It’s been a while since I read a comic book, let alone posted about it. My twitter page has been quiet as well. This is attributed to problems in my personal life. I will try not to go into too much detail however in the interest of “self care,” here’s my story.

I used to think I worked for one of the best companies on the planet. I felt I had a promising career and future there. I was so into my company and enjoying my job that I volunteered personal time and joined projects without being asked. Things were going great until my old boss retired. The new boss was fine at first…it was business as usual and I was still loving life and my job. Then something changed, my boss started harassing me. Everyday it was something new, a constant moving target.

I persevered in rough conditions out of my control for two years. Needless to say things that used to bring me solace and joy no longer had effect. As things became more and more difficult for me, I lost interest in my wonderful hobby. This blog was the first casualty, then my social media presence and finally (hate to admit it) comics. Every now and then I walk into the comic cave and look at the bags of books I should be dying to read and at the boxes of graded comics I should be racing to open. Instead, I sit and stare at nothing or lay on the couch binge watching television. I’m startled by abrupt noises, I have headaches, hypersensitivity, nightmares, mood swings and a hard time concentrating, worst of all I’ve lost my sense of humor.

I am hopeful. I am getting help and I hope to recover, I hope to be myself again and I hope to find that old joy I used to get when Wednesdays rolled around. I’m hopeful.